I Was Afraid

    I've pretty much always been fighting a battle with fear and anxiety. For a long time, I just thought that it was a part of who I was, and I had started to try and accept that. I was wrong. I recently decided that with the help of God, I was no longer going to let fear and anxiety rule my life. I'm still working on it, as I wrote this more than a few months ago, and have been afraid to post it since then, but by the grace of God, I have begun to sever my ties with fear. So join me, as we laugh in the face of what we've been holding so dear, but whats been holding us so far away from what and Who really matters. I hope you enjoy it!

I WAS AFRAID

By Rebecca Zachry

I was afraid.

I was afraid to go out and do something

but I was afraid that standing still was not enough.

I was afraid to love, and to be loved

but I was afraid to be alone.

I was afraid to move on

because what if it was to soon,

what if I moved on too far and too fast

but what if moving on was the fear I was supposed to face?

I was afraid of caring, and caring too much

and the inevitability of being crushed.

I was afraid to change,

but I was afraid of the monotony that I was stewing in.

I was afraid to let go

and I was afraid to hold on.

I was afraid to think, to reason, to trust.

I was afraid that I wasn't enough.

I was afraid of death

but I was also afraid of living.

I was afraid of the pain

but I was afraid of not feeling.

I was afraid to speak out,

because what if I was heard?

What if someone was listening?

But I was afraid of being silent

and afraid losing my voice.

I was afraid to let my guard down

so I built my walls high.

I was afraid of letting anyone see me at my weakest,

and to let anyone see me cry.

I was afraid of the inevitable,

so much so that I couldn't focus on the present.

I was afraid of the dark,

and what could be living there.

I was afraid of being transparent,

of letting anyone see me as I really am.

I was afraid to let anyone in.

I was afraid of fear.

I was afraid of my own pulse, thundering though my ears

because it meant I was alive,

it meant I had to do something.

It meant that I couldn't just simply vegetate,

waiting for someone else to do something

waiting for something to change on its own

waiting for someone to save me.

It meant that I had to do it myself, or not at all.

But I was afraid.

I was being suffocated.

I was paralyzed.

Because I was afraid.

I was afraid and tired of being afraid.

Yea, though I walked through the shadow of the valley of death,

the spirit of fear was still standing over me,

griping me like a vice.

I was not strong or courageous.

Fear was my enemy,

but also the toxic friend whom I needed the least,

but was always there.

It had become nearly symbiotic,

my relationship with fear.

My relationship with this parasite.

I did not know how to be unafraid,

but I was cutting my ties with fear.

Little by little,

I found that I could praise.

I hadn't found courage, but perhaps I had found its source.

I found that I could pray.

I hadn't cast out fear completely, but I had found the one who could.

I found that I could trust.

I hadn't been able to control my life, but I was gaining an understanding as to why.

I found that I could love.

I hadn't completely grasped the concept, but now it was slightly less elusive.

I found that I could be loved.

I hadn't seen before that there were people around me who cared.

I found peace.

The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?

I found my constant.

You who fear him, trust in the Lord-- He is their help and shield.

I became more strong and courageous,

because my Father in heaven goes with me,

He will never leave me nor forsake me.

I found that I could move again.

I could be His hands and feet.

I found my voice,

and I found that some people did want to hear.

I found that I could look forward to the future,

and not behold its mysteries in sheer terror as I had done before,

because God knows what plans He has for me,

plans for good things, to give me hope, and a future.

I found I was not afraid to show people how God truly made me,

I was not afraid to be real, to be transparent.

I had found hope.

I had found peace.

I

was

not

afraid.

"The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?" Psalm 118:6

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me"  Psalm 23:4

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”  Deuteronomy 31:6

"You who fear the LORD, trust in the LORD! He is their help and their shield."  Psalm 115:11

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."   Joshua 1:9

" For God did not give us a spirit of fear. He gave us a spirit of power and of love and of a good mind." 2 Timothy 1:7